Showing posts with label David Beem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David Beem. Show all posts

Monday, April 1, 2019

Edger Lives by David Beem


This post is part of a virtual book tour organized by Goddess Fish Promotions. David Beem will be awarding a $25 Amazon or B/N GC to a randomly drawn winner via rafflecopter during the tour. Click on the tour banner to see the other stops on the tour.

Our dork of destiny rides again!

Edger is falling for Mary, his bodyguard, kick-ass spy, and cover wife. But she’s so hopelessly out of his league, it’s clear someone’s going to get hurt. Less clear? That someone may be the Prime Minister of Australia.

When Mary confesses her desire to kill the world leader whose assassination Edger’s supposed to prevent, Edger’s superpowers pick the worst time to stop working. Without a fully functional psychic superhero, their team of spies can no longer order him to probe Mary’s mind for ill intent. The stage is set for a confrontation that threatens to strip a defenseless Edger of his loyal protector just when he needs her most.

Return to the Collective Unconscious, this time with Listerine-chugging stoners, Hollyweirdos, commie-alien-kung fu robots, one space gorilla-unicorn, and an exceedingly lovesick Vladimir Putin.

Mind your fingers and toes on page 270. Those skydiving mind-control monkeys have been known to bite!

Read an Excerpt:

Google the Cessna 208B Grand Caravan and you’ll learn this single-engine turbine-powered plane is among the most popular jump aircrafts in the world. The Grand Caravan model, with its 675 horsepower, has a good climb and typically seats nine passengers plus the pilot, but with the FAR Part 23 waiver, the number of passengers tops out at fourteen. The wingspan is fifty-two feet. A full tank of fuel gets you a range of 1,232 miles. The cruise speed is 214 mph. All this is Googleable. Less Googleable: the Cessna 208B Grand Caravan is exceedingly popular with the Russian skydiving mind-control chimp crowd.

These adventure-seeking chimps love the Cessna 208B Grand Caravan for its high wing and large exit door. They love to jump up and down in the back and fling poo while shrieking at the tops of their lungs. Most of all, they love the complimentary Chiquita bananas.

This group of mind-control chimps, like the others flying over northern Indiana, are wearing yellow-and-purple spandex onesies and Q-32 Thinking Caps replete with fancy blinking lights and telescoping antennas. They are well-mannered monkeys, despite their predilection for flinging poo, who’ve been taught it’s poor form to arrive at a party without a gift. For this reason, they have brought some five hundred pendant medallions between them, medallions identical to the ones adopted as the symbol of the Church of the Ladder Day Dudes.

The squadron of Cessnas banks two miles above sleepy South Bend, Indiana, in preparation for its pass over the Notre Dame campus.

About the Author: David Beem loves superhero movies, taekwondo, and flossing. He lives in Djibouti with his family and crippling self-doubt. To help actualize David’s inner confidence, visit his website and buy all the stuff: http://www.davidbeem.com

Amazon author page: https://www.amazon.com/David-Beem/e/B005M4NEYI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1 .

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Friday, April 27, 2018

Edger by David Beem


This post is part of a virtual book tour organized by Goddess Fish Promotions. David Beem will be awarding a $50 Amazon or Barnes and Noble GC to a randomly drawn winner via rafflecopter during the tour. Click on the tour banner to see the other stops on the tour.

It’s been said every story must start somewhere. Ours begins with a professional dork. The kind who fixes computers and lives in his gran’s basement. The kind tapped by destiny (that saucy minx) to become the world’s first superhero!

And not a moment too soon…

A nano-sized artificial intelligence is on the loose! It got itself dart-gunned into a cow butt by a frog man in a porn store! Two stoners are corrupting it on twitter! And that’s just the first three pages!!

Join our dork of destiny as he channels the collective unconscious—his psychic superpower—in a harrowing tale of high drama, romance, betrayal, revenge, jesus chickens, cocaine, weirdos, magicians, ninjas, nfl spies, and disco ball water torture administered to the tune of rapture, by blondie. My god, man, what does it all mean!?

It means uncorking that next bottle of wine isn’t only a good idea—it’s advisable.

Read an Excerpt:

Water and glass shower the dance floor. Needle scratches vinyl. Hattori Hanzo seizes control instinctively and I land with the grace of a ninja. Mary, who has no dead ninja in her head, thuds with the grace of a turkey carcass dropped from the Level Two parapet of Westfield Horton Plaza.

“Kill them!” someone yells.

“Don’t kill them!” I yell back, figuring that’s got to be worth a try.

Shots are fired. Screaming patrons run and duck for cover. A bullet ricochets off the wall. I grab Mary by the ropes binding her, and drag her behind a nearby couch.

More gunfire.

I chance a peek. Caleb Montana is near the front door, exchanging shots with two Nostradamus agents hiding behind a life-size statue of Caleb in his quarterback uniform, one arm cocked back, preparing to pass the football, and the other stretched out in front, pointing.

I round on Mary, who flings her wet hair back like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Water sprays my supersuit’s visor.

“Cut me loose.”

“Right, right,” I say, feeling around on my utility belt. Jeez, I’ve never tried to locate anything without someone helping me from the Collective Unconscious. There are a lot of things here. I pull a tiny ball out, and the nano-technology grows into a switchblade-shaped object. Seems promising. I flick it on. Blue flame blows out from the end.

“Holy crap!”

“Come on, quit fooling around.”

“Don’t rush me! Do you have any idea how stressful this is?”

“Come on,” she says, her voice husky, cheek to floor, back arched, butt in the air.

“You never see Batman having this problem,” I mutter.


About the Author:David Beem enjoys superhero movies, taekwondo, and flossing. He lives in Djibouti with his family and crippling self-doubt. Help actualize David’s inner confidence. Visit his website today, and buy all the stuff.

http://www.davidbeem.com
https://www.facebook.com/david.beemauthor
https://twitter.com/davidbeem

Buy the book at Amazon.

a Rafflecopter giveaway